Pirate Mechanics and Silver Garbage Cans

I spent all day bartering with some pirate mechanic to pass my worthless piece of tin off on its safety slash emissions test. This pirate mechanic was kind enough to pass the old Dodge Neon on emissions though it was smoking out of its tail end. Of course, I had to beg him. The things we do to survive in this cruel, heartless world. Apparently I can’t pass safety, something about loose bolts and engine mounts. Sounds kind of serious but since I don’t want to put another red cent into my blue Neon, I refuse to deal with it. I just pour a container of oil into my engine once a week and ignore the smells and smoke that trails my car and pollutes this big green and blue earth. I’d be better off riding around in a silver garbage can.

So for those of you generous souls who are feeling charitable and would want to donate to the United Keep the Air behind Ashleys Car Clean Fund I am accepting all forms of payment.

Moved the Couch to my Front Lawn

I love it when I think my court time is at 9 AM when really it’s at 10:45. Sitting in the court room for almost two hours I felt my class points dropping and my vocabulary worsening or getting more worserer..or whatever. It’s what happens when you spend too much time in settings like the court house or the DMV. I get such terrible anxiety in these two places. I’d rather spend my day at the dentist’s office or a public bathroom.

Too much time in environments such as these can seriously drop you down a few rungs on the social class ladder. You’ll start believing things like “Happiness is being a Grandfather” and have to fight the desire to apply colored eye liners. You start thinking places like Toledo, Ohio would be a good location to live or the State Fair is a cool place to hang. You’ll even crave food from gas stations. Thanks to a few hours at the court house I now own an IRON MAIDEN shirt with cut off sleeves.

Dear social class ladder fairy, please help me find a way to move back up a rung or two.



These are my new friends I met at the court house.

*For those of you curious as to why I went to court, I just had to prove I had insurance and after much anticipation the Judge found me….not guilty. Thanks your honor. But I'm still guilty of owning and re-filling my BIG GULP every morning at my local 711.

Ribbon Cutting Ceremony

For those of you who have had any sort of communication with me know that I often link the statement slash imaginary website “ihatemylife.com” after many stories slash rants. Stories such as I got my hand stuck in the garage door today, or I was on my death bed for four days with the bubonic plague, or Juice and Java stole my debit card…insert “ihatemylife.com.”

For so many of you this has been deceiving. Some of you have attempted typing in your blank URL space my make-believe website and were disappointed to find I was false advertising. But not anymore, I decided to make ihatemylife.com a reality. I am pretty confident that I will continue to have ihatemylife.com worthy stories to fill endless imaginary internet pages in magic web spaces.

To commemorate this special event me and fifteen random kilted people will cut the ribbon and offer a blood sacrifice and prayer for the new website (blog) ihatemylife.com.